Ya Gotta Start Somewhere…

“He doesn’t want supporters, he wants sycophants.” I thought that as I sat down at my desk this morning, the news playing in the background. I don’t want this first post to come from a place of divisiveness, so I’ll save political rantings for another time. Speaking of time, as I gaze backwards about 42 seconds, the words “first edition” replay in my mind. This is because even further back in time, say 5 minutes ago, I had no idea I would be starting this blog.

At this very moment, in consideration of why I’m writing, I think it’s because I really just felt a need to have someone to talk to. You might think a sufferer of anxiety disorder would consider social distancing a time for joyous rapture, but we do have our times when we actually want human interaction. Yesterday was one of those times for me. I can’t quite tune-in to the specific moment when I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness yesterday, but when I did, the weight of the listlessness in the air forced me into baited breaths while I waited for the moment to pass.

When the longest relationship in your life is the one you’ve had with your anxiety, you learn how to cope with its mood swings. The most powerful coping mechanism one has in their arsenal is one we learn early in life, hone throughout childhood, and master during our teen years. Selective Hearing. That’s how I made it through yesterday, hearing but not listening to it. “Sorry anxiety, what’d you say?” I was busy chasing a rogue clump of cat hair wafting its way to the kitchen and didn’t hear you.

I’m tremendously frightful when expressing myself to someone where my inner-most thoughts and feelings are concerned. Direct eye contact makes me about as uncomfortable as a… Thoughts race through my mind at warp speed, while my ability to keep them in check has the alacrity of a 3-toed sloth. These thoughts, when tethered and ready for transmission, seem to generally form cohesive sentences but sometimes I find myself wondering, “Wait, what the hell did I just say?” Perhaps worst of all, controlling the urge for unbridled fidgeting.

Now, about that blog. Because of the struggles with trying to have these types of discussions with someone, I thought perhaps having them with no one in a forum that can be seen by practically anyone might work. That’s why this blog isn’t a cry for help, it’s a place for sharing those things I feel I cannot fully express any other way.

5 Minute Mind – Giving Tuesday

Photo by Felix Koutchinski on Unsplash

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

I knew I wanted to write something about Giving Tuesday, and as I was fiddling around with the title, the word forgiving came to mind. I thought upon forgiving as a way of giving thius I am inclined to write about that.

It’s hard to forgive sometimes…helll, maybe all the time depending on how stubborn you might be. More than anything perhaps, this may be especially in forgiving ourselves. Maybe in forgiving ourselves we have to acknowledge that we did something wrong in the first place, and to admit that is to withdraw us from the reality we created for ourselves in not acknoiledging the incident which created the need for forgivemess in the first place.

While thinking about this now, and emotions that I am experiencing, its becoming more clear with each moment how the power of forgiving yourself is the only way to grow from past experiences.

SO, there it is. Give yourself peace, giuve yourself knowledge. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Forgive yourslef.

P.S. My intent with the above post was not to write something satirical. I wanted to provide the following link though because the overall movement is a powerful one. https://hq.givingtuesday.org/

5 Minute Mind – Breadcrumb Trails

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

When you start to think abot something, do you play like SHrek and think about it as an onion. Peeling back all the layers to see what’s inside. I do this often with thoughts and ideas…or thoughts that lead to ideas or ideas that lead to thoughts. It’s like one thing leading to another opens uip the door to soooo may other things to think about. I don’t mind this really, but haver ou ever gone so far down the thought path that you reach a point where you don’t remember what the heel started the who damn thing?

Mental breadcrumbs are what we need. Mine is living by my reminders. Generally i write them up on my phones, but soimetimes it just hits you wherever and you have to write it down on whatever is around me. If i used actualy sticky notes, i am sure i could create a paper mache life size godzilla. I do however use the virutal ones…love them Try it if you dont use them.

BNack to focus. Just in saying that last thought i started imagining a paper godzilla in all the post it colors…a hot ;ink odzilla with sea foam green flames sho

Thanks in Spanx

Greetings my fellow Americans. It’s that day again, when we celebrate that most American of traditions, gluttony! Time to fill up on the turkey and trimmings, actually I prefer fixins, but I digress. Thanksgiving is always a time to remember and create new stories. I’d like to share one of mine with you now.

When I was with my ex, I had dinner with his family this one particular year. Being that they are from Trinidad, there was a lot of Trini food (delicious, BTW). Because of the oil, rum, sun, and sand, Trinidad is not stranger to things American, including the people. Still, I wanted to make something traditional and thought green bean casserole would fill that role rather nicely.

Upon entering the kitchen in his sister’s house, the immediate smells and sites had my mouth watering and belly hankering. Maybe it was the hunger, but I did feel a bit of discomfort, overpowered by a wave of trepidation as I laid my casserole to end all casseroles on the table. After feasting, I checked what was left and I kid you not, that casserole was demolished! During the main digestion break, I literally ( in the literal sense), had people ask me how to make this. Sensing a triumph, I was more than obliged to share.

In retrospect, I suppose comfort food like that has the ability to transcend culture. As if to proclaim, we may not come from the same place, but my flavors will still remind you of home and belonging.

This Thanksgiving, I am relishing in that thought. I am spending it alone this year so I look to others as they share today, and they/you are my comfort foods. I ask anyone reading this, if you’re celebrating Thanksgiving with others, please do this party of one a favor. Be it your roomie, partner, friend, or spouse, look at them. Be it your overbearing parents or from another planet grandparents, look at them. Be it your sibling who still to this day knows how to aggravate you in that special way, look at them. If your Uncle Frank who won’t stop talking about how the election was stolen, or your Aunt Roberta who swears she saw the little green men are there, look at them too.

Forget about the fights and annoyances, forget about whom isn’t speaking with whom, and certainly forget about how the stuffing tastes different this year. Behold the love that is there with you today. Let your heart reverberate with joy and laughter, as you burp to make room for more Green Bean Casserole.

5 Minute Mind – Thanks in Spanx

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

Greetings my fellow Americans. It’s that day again, when we celebrate that most american of traditions, gluttony! Time to fill up ion the turkey and trimmings, actually I prefer fixins, but i digress. Lets also not forget the green bean casserole. When I was with my ex, I had dinner with his family this one particular year. Being that they are from Trinidad, there was a lot of Trini food (delicious, BTW). I pondered opn something tradtionlal american, and thought green bean casserole sums that up nicely.

I kid you not, that casserole was demolished! I literally ion the literal sense, had people ask me how to make this. I suppose comfort food like that has the ability to transcend cultures. As if to proclaim, we m,ay not come from the same place, but my flavors will still remind yo of home.

This Thanksgiving, I am going to try relishing in that…oh, relish tray. Uhm…relishing. I am spending it alone this year so I look to others as they share today, and they are my comfort foods. Giving me that cozy feeling, though

5 Minute Mind – In the Form of a Question

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

Listening on the news this morning about Ken Jennings serving as interim host of Jeopardy and heard something that made me go, “Whaaaaaa”? Ken Jennings initial run on Jeopardy was….wait for it, 16 years ago! I legit had to stop and let that soak in to my briand for a bit.

How in the hell was that 16 years ago? As 5 minute mind may allude, I think a lot about time. It fascinates me that how we all exist in this same dimension with a shared time continuim, its as if the theoryt of relativity applies to our minds perception of time rather than time itself. Who, where…what we are is our rule of measuring the passing

5 Minute Moose, Erm Mind

Were Canadians Warned Not to Let Moose Lick Their Cars?

The following is a writing sprint. Please excuse grammatical errors and typos.

Well, well neighbors to the North. COnsidering I literally am “a florida man…” I find it rather funny somethjing like this happend in Canada. The place that’s like the cooler sibling that mom and dad always liked better.

It’s nice to know that we don’t contain all the dum-dums here in the U.S. I found this artice to be rather timely considering I participated in my first on-line group meeting for anxiety and shyness sufferers yesterdaty. Yeah, suffering from this and convicing yioursef to go to a meeting siuch as this is in itselkf a challenge. Beleive it or not, It wasn’t just a bunch of people in a zoom meeting not using their cameras while we all sat on mute.

Anyway, the group originates out of Canadaand one person made a comment about…how to phrase this. Our sel-described COVID experts.

Ned to wrap this up, so let me just say to you my dear Canucks. I am sure ether toe park visitors or the moose are from the U.S. so no wirries.

Source: Were Canadians Warned Not to Let Moose Lick Their Cars?

5 Minute Mind – Like a Bowlful of Jelly

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

Victor Hugo

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…or don’t. To laugh is to let it all out rather than a sigh, use yelps and cackles. I used to, and admintedly still sometimes do, berate myself when I did something dumb. Not only is this bad mojo, it just feeds itself until youre a bonfire of madness. I practice letting that go on a daily basis now and just laugh at myself. Seriously, if this isn’t something you do then you need to. I bet you will find that you are the most funny goddamn person there is, to your one audience member.

I have slightlky more grace than a new bord giraffe, but sometimes I just seem to mucxk up the process of walking and take a weird turn. Ok, ok. I admint, most of these times I am probably acting out something in my head and it’s more like a cross between walking and moving weirdly…dancing? Prancing?

P.S. The point here is if you want to chip away at that frozen, resting loathe face, start by laughing at and not berating yourself.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

Character is power. – Booker T. Washington

Our transgender family and friends who so valiantly live their truth for all to see demonstrate the power of their character. Every. Single. Day.

During my Toastmasters meeting yesterday, one of the speakers discussed how racism and stereotyping had left an indelible mark. One thing he said, “How would you feel if you did not belong?” still rings in my ears this morning.

As a gay person, I know this feeling all too well. His subjective character of non-belonging is one which, unlike myself, cannot be hidden; his ethnicity.

When thinking about today’s special meaning, transgender people who walk out that door or join that online meeting already know the litany of stares and snide remarks they expose themselves to every time. Yet, they still open that door or click that button to join. The immense power their character yields casts a luminescence, protecting their spirit.

The evil of humankind may take their corporeal form, but their indomitable spirit lives on. We remember those taken from this world and pay homage to that spirit today.

Photo by Nicola Fioravanti on Unsplash
Photo by Lena Balk on Unsplash

5 Minute Mind – Old Man Moment

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

I remember it like it was yesterday…well, even thought it wasn’t, it was more like 2 or so years ago. I approach the retail associate, my items are scanned and I am ready to pay. I swipe my card as usual, and receive “the noise.” Yiou know that noise that indicates something like, “Hey! YOu did that wrong. Its a card dude, it isn’t that hard.” Embarassed, I swiped it again, only to be greeted once more. THis time, the voice I heard said ” Dude, you’re killin me.” The retail associate asked, “is it a chip card?”

Now, just a little background info. I consider myself to be a tech minded kind of guy still to this day, and had heard about chip cardes for years, but never seen it in action.

I answered to te affirmative and she told me you have to slide the card in. Did that, and after removing it, once more I got yelled at. Now it was saying to me”. Nice work…you almost got a c for effort. RTF screen.” Wait, so now I have tio slide the card in and kleave it there?

FInd, did it, no airraid sirens going off in the background. I sheepishly grin at the person behind me. The innumerable amount of curse words almost escaping my mouth wou;ld have made a drunken sailor blush.

***NOTE – Ran out of time and didn’t finish this one. Think old man yelling at kids, you’ll get the idea.

5 Minute Mind – Reminders

This is a writing sprint. Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

Since the weather in Orlando has changed, temporarily at least, to open window weather, I turned off the ceiling fan in my bedroom. Upon the finishing of the blades movement, I could see each one carrying its very own herd of dust bullafo.

After being embarrassed for all of oh, maybe 1.3 seconds, I said to myself “you need to remind yourself to clean those regularly.” I still have yet to set the reminder, because it made me think of writing about setting reminders. I thought I should probably create a follow-up reminder to the first reminder about cleaning the blades, because I have a tendency to tell myself things like that, to create reminders, but then I pout them off.

If I were a superhero, my name would be The Procrastinator. Able to postpone tasks in a single bound! I imagine I would have some type of power or lazier beams that could create a snooze or remind me in n minutes button. I’ll have to remind myself to create.

I read a blurb not too long ago that simply said if its something you can do in 5 minutes then you sjholld just go ahead and do it then. I’ll remind myself to look that back up later, whn I remember to set remin

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